update #19 - life in transition

Just let it be. You may as well; it is. Everything moves in and out at its own time. You have no control. You never did; you never will. -- Byron Katie


Since I first moved to Spain over 3 years ago, I knew my time here would be temporary. I had a sense of peace about being here and doing this work, but it felt like this was a stepping stone in the bigger journey. It can be tricky, though, not to wonder about the future...

How long is "temporary" - months, years, weeks? Where is the next stepping stone? Will it be for longer, or will it be just as temporary?

Adventuring in Toledo with Jimmy

You never really know where life is going to take you, nor when. I didn't know how long I'd be here. Much less where I'd go from here. There are plenty of things in life we can't know until we're in the midst of it. That's what makes (and keeps) life an adventure.

And I do love adventures: the newness, the excitement, the hope. But there are also moments of uncertainty, doubt, and questions.

So many questions in transition: Is this actually the best decision? What about that other option? What would life look like if we went down this completely different path instead?

On one hand, it can be a lot of fun to dream about those options. All the "what if"s. Picturing what life could be life if... I moved there. I met someone. I got my dream job. The list goes on...

I'll be honest, I easily get caught up in those daydreams. New cities, new work environments, new people, new cultures, new everything.

Stepping into those daydreams is another thing entirely.

Several months ago, I began asking those "what if" questions and surprisingly started getting some answers. The deep sense of peace I'd had about continuing to live in Spain these last several years came from a lack of open doors outside of this place. Because I didn't have any answers about next steps, it made sense to continue exactly where I was. There was something for me here and it wasn't quite yet finished.

There were many days I was ready to throw in the towel. But when it came down to it, I never could. There was something within me that knew that wouldn't have been right. So I stayed. I continued to pour out my heart, soul, and energy into my work. I formed meaningful and lasting friendships. I loved and felt loved by friends, coworkers, and families. I cared deeply for the people we serve in our neighborhood. 

Taking Ava out to lunch as her reward for
filling up her reading sticker chart

Our weekly English club - meeting a tangible
need while building meaningful relationships

I was as present as I could be to my friends, teammates, and those I was serving. In the midst of that, I realized that if I was going to stay well, I needed to figure out how I needed to be led, how I could contribute, who I really am at my core.

A lot of new things came up. And lot of things I'd learned about myself before were confirmed. More than anything, I gained confidence in myself.
And that confidence is what allowed me the freedom to start asking the questions that have led to some clear next steps. By no means do I have all the answers - not even a 5-year plan - but I do know the immediate next step, which is the most important thing since we can only take one step at a time.

We so often long to have all the answers, mostly to know that everything is going to turn out okay. But what kind of adventure is that?!

As intense and frustrating as this season of transition was - is, really - it has been an adventure. There have been ups and downs. There were some things I (thought I) could control, but honestly very few things. Life does, indeed, move in and out in its own time. Why try to force it? Why don't we embrace the adventure of transition? 

One step at a time.

Sunrise over our neighborhood

♥
mk

update #18 - visiting the Motherland

"the ideal is to feel at home anywhere, everywhere" -- Geoff Dyer

Feeling at home anywhere, everywhere is something I've always longed for - and I feel is a lot of what prompted me to travel as much as I have. There was a desire within me to explore all these places and feel at home in them. To be easily adaptable. To embrace living cross-culturally, and to allow parts of those cultures to seep into who I am.

Stockholm, September 2016

That's why I wanted to stay longer than a week or two in each city or country I visited.
Why I wanted to stay with locals, eat like locals, live like locals.
Why I wanted to learn their language.
Why I wanted to learn their customs and culture.

And yet, no matter how much desire I've had to learn all those things and live like locals, I have rarely felt at home in all the places I've traveled. Some cultures are too different from my home culture. Some languages are too unlike those I've studied for me to even attempt to communicate. Some customs are too foreign for me to understand.

There can be a lot of barriers to not feeling at home in a foreign place, which is what makes it so amazing when you find a place in which you do finally feel at home.

Village walks in Dalarna

Despite the fact that I spent my first 18 years living in America, I struggled to feel at home in that culture. Part of that could be moving across the country when I was 8 years old. Even though the move was still within America, there are some vast cultural differences between Pennsylvania and Washington state. I might not have been aware of it at such a young age, but I definitely went through some serious culture shock after that move. I put all of my energy into resenting my new "home" and longing for my old one.

Throughout my teens, I had several opportunities to travel to countries in Europe and Latin America. I loved each visit. It was fun communicating in a different language and practicing that skill. Though I hadn't been raised in those countries, something felt right about those places - those cultures. I felt more at home there than I felt at home in Washington.

There's always time for fika in Sweden

More than anything, Sweden felt like home. I remember being there for the first time at 18 and thinking I'd never felt so at home since leaving Pennsylvania. I spent a year in that country, in the land of my forefathers, visiting the town of my people, and exploring a bit of the beautiful countryside. I fell in love and was determined to go back, no matter how long or what it took. There was something within me calling me "home," despite not having been born or raised in Sweden.

I continued to travel and seek opportunities to get me back to Europe, but it took nearly a decade before I was back in Sweden. Many adventures between then and now, including a move to Europe, have made it more and more clear that it is difficult to be at home anywhere and everywhere. Despite my desire for that to be true, it was not easy to feel just as at home in Uganda and Nicaragua as it had been in Sweden. Even moving to Spain has had its challenges for me. I've come to realize that Sweden is a land filled with people who share so many similar values, with whom I can easily relate (since they're a country filled with introverts ;) haha), and is a huge piece of my identity.

Visiting the family home in Dalarna

In the three years (off and on) that I've lived in Spain, I've been able to visit the Motherland 3 times, each with wonderfully unique experiences. This last visit (nearly 2 months ago now, oops) brought me so much joy and made it that much harder to leave. I spent a quick weekend up north of Stockholm, visiting some relatives and seeing places of great importance to our family history.
It was beautiful in so many ways. A refreshing taste of Fall weather. Laughter-filled connections with distant cousins. Peace and quiet in cozy homes with incredible views of Swedish landscapes & lakes.

Family history & fika time

I love that place, more than words can explain.
I love my family. I love that culture. I love the green beauty. I love that it SNOWS there. I love that the days are really short in the winter and extremely long in the summer.
I love those things because they are part of who I am. I can't explain it any other way. Sweden is my home, whether or not I ever get to live there again. The Swedes are my people.

I still love to travel and learn about new cultures. But maybe this idea of being at home anywhere and everywhere has more to do with taking with me the parts of Sweden that make it home. I live in Spain for now. Who knows what the next 5, 10, 20 years hold. But what I do know is what a gift it's been to have gotten so much time learning about and experiencing Swedish culture over the years. Those are the things I can take with me, wherever I go.

Saying goodbye on a gorgeous Fall day

At the top of Lake Siljan with the lady cousins

And so, with my dalahäst, I can be at home anywhere, everywhere. ;)

Family group shot outside the dalahäst factory

♥
mk

update #16 - time

"learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had" -- Ziad K. Abdelnour

It's now been almost 8 months since I arrived in Spain. In some ways it's hard to believe it's already been that long, but at the same time it feels like I said goodbye to family & friends ages ago.

Time is a funny thing.
One minute, everything is brand new - sights, smells, food, people - and before you know it, those things have all become familiar, second-nature, and it's sad to think about leaving.

Noche en Blanco (Málaga) with some great friends

Thankfully I'm not the one leaving this time, but some of the friends I've made in the last 8 months will be leaving over the next few months and it's sad to think they won't be part of my daily or weekly rhythms of life anymore.
Sure, there's Skype and WhatsApp and email and countless forms of technology that help people stay in touch from the other side of the world. But we all know it's not the same.

Spending time with my adorable new friends

I've tried to live in the moment, appreciating each day I'm here, every interaction and conversation, all the bits and pieces of life that make up a culture. And yet, without realizing it, time slips by.

It comes and goes on its own.

It's a beautiful gift that we often take for granted.

It's something we can't control.

All we can do, really, is make the most of what's in front of us:

The people in our lives right now.

The places we are.

The experiences we can choose to have.

A quick day trip to Granada came with this stellar view

We can be fully present to what's happening now and make some new memories, share in the laughter and love of good friendships, and soak up the sunshine life is offering us.

So go forth, and enjoy today.

♥
mk

update #14 - seasons

"everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn" -- elizabeth lawrence

Snow in Stockholm

Living in Málaga, I often miss the winter. I love snow sports, looking outside and watching the ground get covered in a blanket of white, seeing snow-capped mountain tops, sipping hot chocolate by a warm fire after a walk through the snowy woods... There's so much magic in that season.

I do also love the summer. And here, I get plenty of that. It's not sunny and hot all the time, but the weather is pretty pleasant for most of the year here.

So maybe what I truly miss is the change in seasons. Having spent 10 years of my childhood in Seattle, you'd think I would be used to the lack of change. But that is one of the things that led me to travel and explore other places. I wanted change. I wanted something different, something new.

How often do we find ourselves wanting change? It seems so prevalent in society today - we need new phones every 2 years, new clothes every season, new haircuts, new cars, new jobs, new apartments, new whatever. Are we so unable to be satisfied or content with all that we have?

Yes, it's good to have motivation to push yourself and grow, but at what cost? If we're always thinking about the next new thing, the next goal on our list, are we ever being present and enjoying the moment?

I'm here in Spain for a season. There are no certainties of how long this season will last - months, years, decades? But I might as well enjoy the summer while I'm here, instead of longing for winter.

A sunny "winter" day in my neighborhood

I can embrace this season, seeing the gift of each day, every conversation, each friendship that's forming...

So, rather than dwelling on what I don't have or what I'm missing, I choose to make the most of this season of my life. I know I'll miss it when it's over, so I might as well enjoy it while I'm in it.
 

A Málaga sunset

♥ mk

update #8 - frustrations

"if you don't like something, change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."  -- mary engelbreit


So many frustrations today.
So many things not checked off my to-do list.
So many tasks pushed out yet another day.

I started writing out - in great detail - each event and situation that frustrated me so much throughout the day and, as I was writing, I went through a big up and down of frustration. At first, it made me more irritated, just thinking through how I felt in the midst of each moment. Then, as I was recounting the stories, I realized how silly they all sounded. 

Being woken up by rain at 3:00 in the morning.
Going to (yet another) Spanish government office and being told (again) I don't have all I need.
The restaurant my morning meeting was at was closed today.
The (brand-new) bike I bought last week already has issues.
I had to walk in the rain. (Poor me.)

I mean, really?! Come on, Mikaela!

It was obviously a really trying day for me. ;)


Seriously, though. I can hear how ridiculous those complaints sound. Not that my feelings of annoyance and irritation weren't justified, but I was reminded - yet again - that so much of life is about our perspective.

A lot of what bothered me today was completely out of my control. There honestly wasn't much I could have done to change each of the situations themselves. But I did have control over how I thought about it. Unfortunately, most of today was spent thinking negatively about those moments.

But the day isn't over. 

This day doesn't have to end on a negative note. Nor do I have to remember those situations as frustrations. I can choose to shift my perspective away from the darkness and into the light. 

Look for the ray of light in the midst of darkness
(Photo: Monachil, Spain)

The rain that woke me up is nourishing the ground that doesn't often get the rain it needs.
I got to practice my Spanish with the lady I talked to at the government office. (And she was extremely patient with me throughout the situation we were both trying to figure out.)
Instead of eating out for my morning meeting, my friend/life coach and I got to cook breakfast together, which was really fun.
If I can't return my bike, this was a good learning experience for what not to do. ;) Plus I'll get to meet some new people at the bike shop I'll take it to to get fixed.
(I don't like to admit it, but) I actually think it can be totally freeing to walk in the rain.

Maybe next week my update will be entirely positive. For now, thanks for reading and supporting me from wherever in the world you're reading this!



If you can't change something, try changing the way you think about it.
It's worth a try.


♥
mk

the gift of uncertainty

Lately a lot of things have felt completely out of my control. Even more than normally are. I've known throughout this whole process of getting ready to move back to Spain long-term that I don't know the day I'll be funded enough to purchase my plane ticket, or the day I'll hear that my visa application has been accepted - let alone the day I can even apply for my visa. But throughout this journey, I've felt incredible peace.

Peace in the midst of uncertainty.
In the midst of frustration, anxiety, questions.
So many questions - from friends, family, supporters, myself.

Why am I still in the States?

When am I going to leave for Spain?

What am I doing while I'm here?

Some of those questions have a (relatively) easy answer: it takes time to gather together and invest in the people God is calling to financially partner with me. And honestly, I'm SO thankful for that time! I want to know those who are supporting me in this way, and I want them to know me. My desire is for a mutually beneficial relationship; one where we can support, love and encourage each other. I'm still in the States because God has me here - to show me who He has for me on my support team, to heal me from past brokenness, and to fully prepare me for this lifestyle He's leading me to in Spain.

And can I just tell you how amazing it's been? How amazing He is?! Not that there were any doubts, but wow - experiencing HIM is ... I don't even know how to explain it ... true peace, unfailing love, eternal joy. The fullness of who Christ is. No more, no less.

I've gotten questions I can't answer. But one thing I've known for certain: Christ lives in me.

So really, what else matters?
Why worry about the little details of when, where, why?
What could possibly be as important as actually knowing Christ? Of pursuing His face?

Taking time to be still and listen

So, for a brief update - I'm in Seattle for the foreseeable future. This visa application process and support-raising is out of my control, but I have peace knowing that God is the One who has complete control over it all. He has me here now for a reason. He will get me to wherever He wants me in His perfect timing.

All I can do until then is make the most of this time.

This precious time I have with family and friends.

It is a gift.

When you give up control over all the details that can sometimes be so consuming, you can start to see the gift that every little moment is. Every person. Every conversation. Every sunrise and sunset. Every interaction with something in nature. It's all precious. It's all something I wouldn't necessarily get to experience if I were rushing through this time here, trying my hardest to get to wherever I think I need to be, when I think I need to be there.

How amazing our Father is, constantly blessing us with gifts - whether we see them for what they are or not. May we have eyes and hearts to see His many gifts for what they truly are!

Precious time with cousins

♥ mk