update #20: shedding all that I'm not

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." -- unknown

Stormy seas in Nerja, Spain

This last year plus in Spain has been challenging, eye-opening, healing, insightful, and everything in between. It was an opportunity for me to come to head with who I really am, and confidently step into that. In the most difficult moments, it was like shedding all these extra layers I'd been wearing for years.
Things I'd claimed to value over the years.
The way I wanted friends & family to see me.
The way I wanted to be perceived by anybody I met along the way.
The way I wanted to see myself.
But, when it came down to it, I broke down and couldn't continue to be this person I am not.

I recently read a blog post in which the author shared from a friend's book, "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying."

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so much.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

NUMBER ONE regret! Why do so many of us feel that we can't live out who we truly are? I understand that there are societal norms and pressures. So maybe my question should be: why can't society accept that we are all unique and should be able to freely live true to ourselves?

...

I enjoy being with people, and I do deeply value relationships, but I am not an extrovert. I am an extroverted introvert. I need healthy boundaries with limits to "people time" just as much as I need people contact nearly every day. I can't work in a setting that is entirely relational, as this job has been. I need a balance of people time and task time. I wouldn't be able to handle either extreme.

Through many personality assessments I've taken over the last 5 years, I've learned over and over that I'm balanced between task-oriented and people-oriented. But somehow I got it in my head that I'm supposed to be all about people all the time. Because I'm a caring person, I "should" be working with people all the time. Because of some other aspects of my personality, there are plenty of people-related things that I "should" be doing. That I should want to do.

Waves crashing in Nerja, Spain

But it was exhausting spending 80-90% of my weeks with people. And I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Why was I so exhausted at the end of my weeks? Why was it painful to even think about socializing with friends on the weekends?

Last summer, I hit a breaking point finally began the process "un-becoming" all that wasn't truly me. (It's an ongoing process that will probably last a lifetime, but I feel like there has been enormous progress and major steps forward in the last 10 months.)

I began shedding this expectation I'd put on myself of being a people person. I freed myself from feeling like I had to pretend to enjoy meetings more than I enjoy analyzing things from a computer screen. I prefer engaging different parts of my brain that I hadn't been putting to use in recent years. I soon became released from these heavy chains I'd put on myself of who I thought people had wanted me to be.

The process was difficult. It still is. There are a lot of tough moments of realizing that I'm so different from all of my co-workers. I'm different from a lot of people in this line of work. And that sucks. It's incredibly lonely, and made me question what I'm even doing here. But I'm surrounded by some great and supportive people here who showed me how my differences add so much to our team that would (obviously) otherwise be lacking.
I fill in the holes that nobody else wants to do. And the best part: I ENJOY doing those things!

I have experienced great freedom in coming to understand who I am and what I can contribute. I've been able to take on some life-giving tasks, which has ultimately given me more desire & energy to spend time with people. I feel much more balanced now that I'm able to live out who I was meant to be.

I am ending this season well, able to look back and see that I've had an impact, that my time here was well-spent, and also move forward confident in who I've "un-become." The layers continue to shed with each new experience. Difficult, but always worth it.

Malaga as seen from El Palo

♥
mk

update #13 - stories

"I am interested in personal stories because that's when people become expressive, spontaneous, and heartfelt." -- Anna Deavere Smith

I stopped on the corner of the street and asked my friend how he was doing. He's someone my co-worker and I first met while serving lunch at Amfremar (the local soup kitchen in our neighborhood) and have since gotten to know at our English club. He's been looking for work since the end of the summer. Without any family nearby, he has been forced to find alternative housing (read: living in a tent in the foothills just above our neighborhood). He makes a valiant effort, though, dressing in nice, button-up shirts during the day and selling birds of paradise flowers on the side of the street to make ends meet.

Every time I see him, I stop to say hello and ask how he's doing. He's quite a positive person, given his circumstances, which often reminds me of what's truly important in life.

It's not so much about the things we have (beyond our basic needs), but the relationships we have - and how we can share the things we do have with other people in our lives.
It's not about noticing what we have (or lack) compared to other people, but more about coming together as a community and realizing what we all have together.

It's a joy to be able to work in community development because most of my weeks are filled with stories like this that make me pause, re-focus, and re-center on what matters most. I honestly believe that if each of us opened our eyes to see the people we pass on the streets every day and took a moment to listen to their stories, we'd all have weeks filled with encounters and stories to shift our perspectives back to people, relationships, and community.

Who can you talk to this week?

There's a chance it could make their day.
And an even greater chance it could have a lasting impact on your heart.




♥ mk

update #11 - christmastime is here

Christmastime is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Those of you who know me, know very well that this is my favorite time of the year. There's such joy, hope, and excitement in the air during this season. There's love and peace as families gather near and far to celebrate with one another.

For as long as I can remember, I've loved the Christmas season, willing it to start earlier every year (a bit to the dismay and frustration of friends and roommates over the years who have had to listen to Christmas music in October... They would have started hearing it in September, but I was careful to listen through headphones that early ;) haha).

Memories of my childhood Christmases are summed up perfectly by this next verse of the song:

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

I love snow and the magic it brings. Something so simple can blanket a town in white, bringing a quiet peace and tranquility upon its inhabitants. And it's such a beautiful image of the clean and perfect [new] life we're given in Jesus, the baby whose birth we celebrate at this time of the year.

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Making paper snowflakes to bring
"winter" to Southern Spain

This is only the second time I won't get to spend Christmas with my family, so in some ways it doesn't feel like Christmas is actually happening this year. I am, however, taking full advantage of living in Europe and am spending my favorite holiday in my favorite country - Sweden! It's wonderful to be back in the Motherland, spending time with relatives I've met and gotten to know in the last 10 years, reunited with my man after saying goodbye in Boston almost three months ago, and celebrating Christmas with a family friend who has been part of our family Christmases for about the last 20 years.

Definitely all amazing things that are part of what I enjoy so much about this season. As much as I love and cherish my childhood Christmas memories, it's a gift to be able to make new memories in this season every year. 

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

As you all draw near to family and friends this holiday season, may you reflect upon the true gifts of love, hope, peace, and joy that are at the core of the meaning behind this most wonderful time of the year. Receive those gifts and be willing to give them as well. May we all carry the true Christmas spirit with us throughout the year.

Christmas cookies!

Our English Club Christmas party - plenty of
laughter and cheer that night :)

♥
mk