update #20: shedding all that I'm not

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." -- unknown

Stormy seas in Nerja, Spain

This last year plus in Spain has been challenging, eye-opening, healing, insightful, and everything in between. It was an opportunity for me to come to head with who I really am, and confidently step into that. In the most difficult moments, it was like shedding all these extra layers I'd been wearing for years.
Things I'd claimed to value over the years.
The way I wanted friends & family to see me.
The way I wanted to be perceived by anybody I met along the way.
The way I wanted to see myself.
But, when it came down to it, I broke down and couldn't continue to be this person I am not.

I recently read a blog post in which the author shared from a friend's book, "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying."

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so much.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

NUMBER ONE regret! Why do so many of us feel that we can't live out who we truly are? I understand that there are societal norms and pressures. So maybe my question should be: why can't society accept that we are all unique and should be able to freely live true to ourselves?

...

I enjoy being with people, and I do deeply value relationships, but I am not an extrovert. I am an extroverted introvert. I need healthy boundaries with limits to "people time" just as much as I need people contact nearly every day. I can't work in a setting that is entirely relational, as this job has been. I need a balance of people time and task time. I wouldn't be able to handle either extreme.

Through many personality assessments I've taken over the last 5 years, I've learned over and over that I'm balanced between task-oriented and people-oriented. But somehow I got it in my head that I'm supposed to be all about people all the time. Because I'm a caring person, I "should" be working with people all the time. Because of some other aspects of my personality, there are plenty of people-related things that I "should" be doing. That I should want to do.

Waves crashing in Nerja, Spain

But it was exhausting spending 80-90% of my weeks with people. And I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Why was I so exhausted at the end of my weeks? Why was it painful to even think about socializing with friends on the weekends?

Last summer, I hit a breaking point finally began the process "un-becoming" all that wasn't truly me. (It's an ongoing process that will probably last a lifetime, but I feel like there has been enormous progress and major steps forward in the last 10 months.)

I began shedding this expectation I'd put on myself of being a people person. I freed myself from feeling like I had to pretend to enjoy meetings more than I enjoy analyzing things from a computer screen. I prefer engaging different parts of my brain that I hadn't been putting to use in recent years. I soon became released from these heavy chains I'd put on myself of who I thought people had wanted me to be.

The process was difficult. It still is. There are a lot of tough moments of realizing that I'm so different from all of my co-workers. I'm different from a lot of people in this line of work. And that sucks. It's incredibly lonely, and made me question what I'm even doing here. But I'm surrounded by some great and supportive people here who showed me how my differences add so much to our team that would (obviously) otherwise be lacking.
I fill in the holes that nobody else wants to do. And the best part: I ENJOY doing those things!

I have experienced great freedom in coming to understand who I am and what I can contribute. I've been able to take on some life-giving tasks, which has ultimately given me more desire & energy to spend time with people. I feel much more balanced now that I'm able to live out who I was meant to be.

I am ending this season well, able to look back and see that I've had an impact, that my time here was well-spent, and also move forward confident in who I've "un-become." The layers continue to shed with each new experience. Difficult, but always worth it.

Malaga as seen from El Palo

♥
mk

update #19 - life in transition

Just let it be. You may as well; it is. Everything moves in and out at its own time. You have no control. You never did; you never will. -- Byron Katie


Since I first moved to Spain over 3 years ago, I knew my time here would be temporary. I had a sense of peace about being here and doing this work, but it felt like this was a stepping stone in the bigger journey. It can be tricky, though, not to wonder about the future...

How long is "temporary" - months, years, weeks? Where is the next stepping stone? Will it be for longer, or will it be just as temporary?

Adventuring in Toledo with Jimmy

You never really know where life is going to take you, nor when. I didn't know how long I'd be here. Much less where I'd go from here. There are plenty of things in life we can't know until we're in the midst of it. That's what makes (and keeps) life an adventure.

And I do love adventures: the newness, the excitement, the hope. But there are also moments of uncertainty, doubt, and questions.

So many questions in transition: Is this actually the best decision? What about that other option? What would life look like if we went down this completely different path instead?

On one hand, it can be a lot of fun to dream about those options. All the "what if"s. Picturing what life could be life if... I moved there. I met someone. I got my dream job. The list goes on...

I'll be honest, I easily get caught up in those daydreams. New cities, new work environments, new people, new cultures, new everything.

Stepping into those daydreams is another thing entirely.

Several months ago, I began asking those "what if" questions and surprisingly started getting some answers. The deep sense of peace I'd had about continuing to live in Spain these last several years came from a lack of open doors outside of this place. Because I didn't have any answers about next steps, it made sense to continue exactly where I was. There was something for me here and it wasn't quite yet finished.

There were many days I was ready to throw in the towel. But when it came down to it, I never could. There was something within me that knew that wouldn't have been right. So I stayed. I continued to pour out my heart, soul, and energy into my work. I formed meaningful and lasting friendships. I loved and felt loved by friends, coworkers, and families. I cared deeply for the people we serve in our neighborhood. 

Taking Ava out to lunch as her reward for
filling up her reading sticker chart

Our weekly English club - meeting a tangible
need while building meaningful relationships

I was as present as I could be to my friends, teammates, and those I was serving. In the midst of that, I realized that if I was going to stay well, I needed to figure out how I needed to be led, how I could contribute, who I really am at my core.

A lot of new things came up. And lot of things I'd learned about myself before were confirmed. More than anything, I gained confidence in myself.
And that confidence is what allowed me the freedom to start asking the questions that have led to some clear next steps. By no means do I have all the answers - not even a 5-year plan - but I do know the immediate next step, which is the most important thing since we can only take one step at a time.

We so often long to have all the answers, mostly to know that everything is going to turn out okay. But what kind of adventure is that?!

As intense and frustrating as this season of transition was - is, really - it has been an adventure. There have been ups and downs. There were some things I (thought I) could control, but honestly very few things. Life does, indeed, move in and out in its own time. Why try to force it? Why don't we embrace the adventure of transition? 

One step at a time.

Sunrise over our neighborhood

♥
mk

update #18 - visiting the Motherland

"the ideal is to feel at home anywhere, everywhere" -- Geoff Dyer

Feeling at home anywhere, everywhere is something I've always longed for - and I feel is a lot of what prompted me to travel as much as I have. There was a desire within me to explore all these places and feel at home in them. To be easily adaptable. To embrace living cross-culturally, and to allow parts of those cultures to seep into who I am.

Stockholm, September 2016

That's why I wanted to stay longer than a week or two in each city or country I visited.
Why I wanted to stay with locals, eat like locals, live like locals.
Why I wanted to learn their language.
Why I wanted to learn their customs and culture.

And yet, no matter how much desire I've had to learn all those things and live like locals, I have rarely felt at home in all the places I've traveled. Some cultures are too different from my home culture. Some languages are too unlike those I've studied for me to even attempt to communicate. Some customs are too foreign for me to understand.

There can be a lot of barriers to not feeling at home in a foreign place, which is what makes it so amazing when you find a place in which you do finally feel at home.

Village walks in Dalarna

Despite the fact that I spent my first 18 years living in America, I struggled to feel at home in that culture. Part of that could be moving across the country when I was 8 years old. Even though the move was still within America, there are some vast cultural differences between Pennsylvania and Washington state. I might not have been aware of it at such a young age, but I definitely went through some serious culture shock after that move. I put all of my energy into resenting my new "home" and longing for my old one.

Throughout my teens, I had several opportunities to travel to countries in Europe and Latin America. I loved each visit. It was fun communicating in a different language and practicing that skill. Though I hadn't been raised in those countries, something felt right about those places - those cultures. I felt more at home there than I felt at home in Washington.

There's always time for fika in Sweden

More than anything, Sweden felt like home. I remember being there for the first time at 18 and thinking I'd never felt so at home since leaving Pennsylvania. I spent a year in that country, in the land of my forefathers, visiting the town of my people, and exploring a bit of the beautiful countryside. I fell in love and was determined to go back, no matter how long or what it took. There was something within me calling me "home," despite not having been born or raised in Sweden.

I continued to travel and seek opportunities to get me back to Europe, but it took nearly a decade before I was back in Sweden. Many adventures between then and now, including a move to Europe, have made it more and more clear that it is difficult to be at home anywhere and everywhere. Despite my desire for that to be true, it was not easy to feel just as at home in Uganda and Nicaragua as it had been in Sweden. Even moving to Spain has had its challenges for me. I've come to realize that Sweden is a land filled with people who share so many similar values, with whom I can easily relate (since they're a country filled with introverts ;) haha), and is a huge piece of my identity.

Visiting the family home in Dalarna

In the three years (off and on) that I've lived in Spain, I've been able to visit the Motherland 3 times, each with wonderfully unique experiences. This last visit (nearly 2 months ago now, oops) brought me so much joy and made it that much harder to leave. I spent a quick weekend up north of Stockholm, visiting some relatives and seeing places of great importance to our family history.
It was beautiful in so many ways. A refreshing taste of Fall weather. Laughter-filled connections with distant cousins. Peace and quiet in cozy homes with incredible views of Swedish landscapes & lakes.

Family history & fika time

I love that place, more than words can explain.
I love my family. I love that culture. I love the green beauty. I love that it SNOWS there. I love that the days are really short in the winter and extremely long in the summer.
I love those things because they are part of who I am. I can't explain it any other way. Sweden is my home, whether or not I ever get to live there again. The Swedes are my people.

I still love to travel and learn about new cultures. But maybe this idea of being at home anywhere and everywhere has more to do with taking with me the parts of Sweden that make it home. I live in Spain for now. Who knows what the next 5, 10, 20 years hold. But what I do know is what a gift it's been to have gotten so much time learning about and experiencing Swedish culture over the years. Those are the things I can take with me, wherever I go.

Saying goodbye on a gorgeous Fall day

At the top of Lake Siljan with the lady cousins

And so, with my dalahäst, I can be at home anywhere, everywhere. ;)

Family group shot outside the dalahäst factory

♥
mk

update #17 - resting

"sometimes the most urgent and vital thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest" -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Rest is a pretty important thing that I think we too often take for granted. It's so necessary, our bodies require several hours of rest every day in order to function properly. Imagine how much we're denying ourselves if we don't find a way to *properly* rest every year, month, or week.

Lake Constance, Germany

Living in Spain, I've come to realize that even something as basic and simple as rest is valued differently in each culture. In America, it seems to be "work as hard as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can so that you can rest later... maybe" while in many European countries, they take an entire month off work every hear to vacation with their families, close shop at least one day a week (usually Sunday) to rest, and even have shorter work weeks. And it turns out all these things make for more efficient employees who have happier lives. Crazy.

So why is it still hard for me to prioritize rest?

How can I be better about fitting rest into my weekly routines?

And what does rest actually look like?

German wildflowers

For some, rest may be as simple as having a few hours to themselves to read a book, listen to some music or a podcast, go for a hike, or even go shopping. For others, it may require a lot more planning and time off in a completely different setting. I think we actually need a little bit of both - taking time to rest every week and going on a vacation. Those vacation days are meant to be used. You don't want to deny them of their purpose, do you? ;)



So a couple of months ago, I knew I was in need of a more of a "vacation rest," which meant leaving Spain. Thankfully, there are a bunch of places I can get to on a dime because of budget airlines in Europe. I chose Germany because it was close enough that travel time wouldn't eat up most of my short 3-day trip, it was a language I didn't know so I could mentally zone out when I was in coffee shops, and one of my best friends happened to be studying abroad in Munich the same weekend I was looking at going. There was basically no reason not to go.

Here are some photos from the whirlwind (yet restful) trip:

View right outside the Sbahn station - Marienplatz

Reunited after over a year!!

Munich mimosas with the best!

Taking a peaceful walk along Lake Constance

Exploring Memmingen, Germany

On this trip, rest looked like a lot of different things: getting some quality time with Laura, exploring some new places, having some quiet time to myself spent reading, and being out in nature that was GREEN.

When it was all said and done, I wished I could have stayed longer. Even just one or two more days would have been nice. But I did come back feeling pretty refreshed, which was the purpose of the trip. And so I think I will be a little more intentional about seeking out times of rest - whatever they might look like - on a more regular basis.

There will (nearly) always be work to do, but shouldn't have to go through life running on fumes. We should enjoy every aspect of life - both work and rest - and that requires a balance of the two.

So, rest up.
Go adventure. Try something new. Go for a hike. Read a book. Explore a new place.
Do something good for your body and soul.




♥
mk

update #16 - time

"learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had" -- Ziad K. Abdelnour

It's now been almost 8 months since I arrived in Spain. In some ways it's hard to believe it's already been that long, but at the same time it feels like I said goodbye to family & friends ages ago.

Time is a funny thing.
One minute, everything is brand new - sights, smells, food, people - and before you know it, those things have all become familiar, second-nature, and it's sad to think about leaving.

Noche en Blanco (Málaga) with some great friends

Thankfully I'm not the one leaving this time, but some of the friends I've made in the last 8 months will be leaving over the next few months and it's sad to think they won't be part of my daily or weekly rhythms of life anymore.
Sure, there's Skype and WhatsApp and email and countless forms of technology that help people stay in touch from the other side of the world. But we all know it's not the same.

Spending time with my adorable new friends

I've tried to live in the moment, appreciating each day I'm here, every interaction and conversation, all the bits and pieces of life that make up a culture. And yet, without realizing it, time slips by.

It comes and goes on its own.

It's a beautiful gift that we often take for granted.

It's something we can't control.

All we can do, really, is make the most of what's in front of us:

The people in our lives right now.

The places we are.

The experiences we can choose to have.

A quick day trip to Granada came with this stellar view

We can be fully present to what's happening now and make some new memories, share in the laughter and love of good friendships, and soak up the sunshine life is offering us.

So go forth, and enjoy today.

♥
mk

update #15 - travel: Barcelona & Girona

"travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of the experience" -- Francis Bacon

Wine & tapas in Barcelona

Travel does wonders for the soul. It doesn't have to be far. But going somewhere that's outside of your daily (or weekly) "normal" gives a refreshing perspective. 


It has helped me appreciate the many things I have here at home - community, familiarity, routine, constant sunshine (even though I'd be fine with some change in the weather every now and then ;) haha) - while satisfying my desire for adventure, change, exploration, learning something new.

Finally got to see Ally IN SPAIN!

A couple of weeks ago, I got to spend a weekend up in Barcelona, visiting a few friends, seeing a bunch of sights, relaxing, enjoying some good wine, exploring the city - and even going up to Girona for a day. It was a wonderful weekend away, a nice change of pace, a breath of fresh air, and a fun adventure!

Sagrada Familia

Exploring Parc Guell - Gaudi's house!

With just 62 hours in the area, we made the most of our time: going to the Sagrada Familia, getting a 2.5-hour (FREE!) walking tour of the Gothic Quarter, hiking up to Parc Guell (where Gaudi's house and quite a bit of his other works are), walking Las Ramblas, and even taking time to relax and enjoy some wine and tapas. 

It was an ideal time of year to go - not quite peak tourist season yet, so there weren't too many people, and the weather was great (aside from the rain our first day there)! If you have the chance to go to Barcelona, I'd definitely recommend going in late Spring or early Fall if you can. :)

Sitting outside my new favorite cafe

Our last day in Barcelona, we decided to take a 40-minute train ride north to Girona. We walked the old city wall (which provided amazing views, including the one in the photo below), went to the cathedral but had just barely missed the cutoff for the free entry, so we decided to go to a cafe my friend had recommended (La Fabrica) and fell in love with the city a little more. The cafe is in this tiny little plaza between several buildings and at the base of some ancient stairs; it was surreal and awesome all at once. The best part of Girona: everything in the old part of town is walkable from the train station! I would highly recommend taking a day to go explore Girona if you ever find yourself in Catalunya.

View of Girona from the old city wall

There will probably always be a thousand reasons not to travel

- even for a quick weekend trip -

but it's completely worth it. Vale la pena! 

Take advantage of flight deals,

find a cheap train ticket,

plan a short road trip with someone...

go on an adventure.

Your soul will thank you.

♥ mk

update #14 - seasons

"everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn" -- elizabeth lawrence

Snow in Stockholm

Living in Málaga, I often miss the winter. I love snow sports, looking outside and watching the ground get covered in a blanket of white, seeing snow-capped mountain tops, sipping hot chocolate by a warm fire after a walk through the snowy woods... There's so much magic in that season.

I do also love the summer. And here, I get plenty of that. It's not sunny and hot all the time, but the weather is pretty pleasant for most of the year here.

So maybe what I truly miss is the change in seasons. Having spent 10 years of my childhood in Seattle, you'd think I would be used to the lack of change. But that is one of the things that led me to travel and explore other places. I wanted change. I wanted something different, something new.

How often do we find ourselves wanting change? It seems so prevalent in society today - we need new phones every 2 years, new clothes every season, new haircuts, new cars, new jobs, new apartments, new whatever. Are we so unable to be satisfied or content with all that we have?

Yes, it's good to have motivation to push yourself and grow, but at what cost? If we're always thinking about the next new thing, the next goal on our list, are we ever being present and enjoying the moment?

I'm here in Spain for a season. There are no certainties of how long this season will last - months, years, decades? But I might as well enjoy the summer while I'm here, instead of longing for winter.

A sunny "winter" day in my neighborhood

I can embrace this season, seeing the gift of each day, every conversation, each friendship that's forming...

So, rather than dwelling on what I don't have or what I'm missing, I choose to make the most of this season of my life. I know I'll miss it when it's over, so I might as well enjoy it while I'm in it.
 

A Málaga sunset

♥ mk