update #20: shedding all that I'm not

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." -- unknown

Stormy seas in Nerja, Spain

This last year plus in Spain has been challenging, eye-opening, healing, insightful, and everything in between. It was an opportunity for me to come to head with who I really am, and confidently step into that. In the most difficult moments, it was like shedding all these extra layers I'd been wearing for years.
Things I'd claimed to value over the years.
The way I wanted friends & family to see me.
The way I wanted to be perceived by anybody I met along the way.
The way I wanted to see myself.
But, when it came down to it, I broke down and couldn't continue to be this person I am not.

I recently read a blog post in which the author shared from a friend's book, "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying."

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so much.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

NUMBER ONE regret! Why do so many of us feel that we can't live out who we truly are? I understand that there are societal norms and pressures. So maybe my question should be: why can't society accept that we are all unique and should be able to freely live true to ourselves?

...

I enjoy being with people, and I do deeply value relationships, but I am not an extrovert. I am an extroverted introvert. I need healthy boundaries with limits to "people time" just as much as I need people contact nearly every day. I can't work in a setting that is entirely relational, as this job has been. I need a balance of people time and task time. I wouldn't be able to handle either extreme.

Through many personality assessments I've taken over the last 5 years, I've learned over and over that I'm balanced between task-oriented and people-oriented. But somehow I got it in my head that I'm supposed to be all about people all the time. Because I'm a caring person, I "should" be working with people all the time. Because of some other aspects of my personality, there are plenty of people-related things that I "should" be doing. That I should want to do.

Waves crashing in Nerja, Spain

But it was exhausting spending 80-90% of my weeks with people. And I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Why was I so exhausted at the end of my weeks? Why was it painful to even think about socializing with friends on the weekends?

Last summer, I hit a breaking point finally began the process "un-becoming" all that wasn't truly me. (It's an ongoing process that will probably last a lifetime, but I feel like there has been enormous progress and major steps forward in the last 10 months.)

I began shedding this expectation I'd put on myself of being a people person. I freed myself from feeling like I had to pretend to enjoy meetings more than I enjoy analyzing things from a computer screen. I prefer engaging different parts of my brain that I hadn't been putting to use in recent years. I soon became released from these heavy chains I'd put on myself of who I thought people had wanted me to be.

The process was difficult. It still is. There are a lot of tough moments of realizing that I'm so different from all of my co-workers. I'm different from a lot of people in this line of work. And that sucks. It's incredibly lonely, and made me question what I'm even doing here. But I'm surrounded by some great and supportive people here who showed me how my differences add so much to our team that would (obviously) otherwise be lacking.
I fill in the holes that nobody else wants to do. And the best part: I ENJOY doing those things!

I have experienced great freedom in coming to understand who I am and what I can contribute. I've been able to take on some life-giving tasks, which has ultimately given me more desire & energy to spend time with people. I feel much more balanced now that I'm able to live out who I was meant to be.

I am ending this season well, able to look back and see that I've had an impact, that my time here was well-spent, and also move forward confident in who I've "un-become." The layers continue to shed with each new experience. Difficult, but always worth it.

Malaga as seen from El Palo

♥
mk

update #19 - life in transition

Just let it be. You may as well; it is. Everything moves in and out at its own time. You have no control. You never did; you never will. -- Byron Katie


Since I first moved to Spain over 3 years ago, I knew my time here would be temporary. I had a sense of peace about being here and doing this work, but it felt like this was a stepping stone in the bigger journey. It can be tricky, though, not to wonder about the future...

How long is "temporary" - months, years, weeks? Where is the next stepping stone? Will it be for longer, or will it be just as temporary?

Adventuring in Toledo with Jimmy

You never really know where life is going to take you, nor when. I didn't know how long I'd be here. Much less where I'd go from here. There are plenty of things in life we can't know until we're in the midst of it. That's what makes (and keeps) life an adventure.

And I do love adventures: the newness, the excitement, the hope. But there are also moments of uncertainty, doubt, and questions.

So many questions in transition: Is this actually the best decision? What about that other option? What would life look like if we went down this completely different path instead?

On one hand, it can be a lot of fun to dream about those options. All the "what if"s. Picturing what life could be life if... I moved there. I met someone. I got my dream job. The list goes on...

I'll be honest, I easily get caught up in those daydreams. New cities, new work environments, new people, new cultures, new everything.

Stepping into those daydreams is another thing entirely.

Several months ago, I began asking those "what if" questions and surprisingly started getting some answers. The deep sense of peace I'd had about continuing to live in Spain these last several years came from a lack of open doors outside of this place. Because I didn't have any answers about next steps, it made sense to continue exactly where I was. There was something for me here and it wasn't quite yet finished.

There were many days I was ready to throw in the towel. But when it came down to it, I never could. There was something within me that knew that wouldn't have been right. So I stayed. I continued to pour out my heart, soul, and energy into my work. I formed meaningful and lasting friendships. I loved and felt loved by friends, coworkers, and families. I cared deeply for the people we serve in our neighborhood. 

Taking Ava out to lunch as her reward for
filling up her reading sticker chart

Our weekly English club - meeting a tangible
need while building meaningful relationships

I was as present as I could be to my friends, teammates, and those I was serving. In the midst of that, I realized that if I was going to stay well, I needed to figure out how I needed to be led, how I could contribute, who I really am at my core.

A lot of new things came up. And lot of things I'd learned about myself before were confirmed. More than anything, I gained confidence in myself.
And that confidence is what allowed me the freedom to start asking the questions that have led to some clear next steps. By no means do I have all the answers - not even a 5-year plan - but I do know the immediate next step, which is the most important thing since we can only take one step at a time.

We so often long to have all the answers, mostly to know that everything is going to turn out okay. But what kind of adventure is that?!

As intense and frustrating as this season of transition was - is, really - it has been an adventure. There have been ups and downs. There were some things I (thought I) could control, but honestly very few things. Life does, indeed, move in and out in its own time. Why try to force it? Why don't we embrace the adventure of transition? 

One step at a time.

Sunrise over our neighborhood

♥
mk